Our Core Values

The Friendship Club’s mission is to ensure that the future remains as identical to the past as humanly possible. To uphold that mission, we have identified six core values that every new Friend swears fidelity to upon learning the Friendship’s secret handshake.

O – Orderly Observance: We prioritize the preservation of established social hierarchies, viewing any attempt at “modernization” or “inclusion” as a direct threat to the structural integrity of our mahogany-paneled history and tradition of office place joke-telling that really needs the audience to understand what the races of all the people in the story are even though it’s totally not racist to say that.

B – Baseline Beliefs: We adhere to a set of core principles that are loosely inspired by moral teachings, though we reserve the right to apply these rules based on the social standing and attire of the individual in question.

T – Technical Temperance: We are committed to resisting the “hyper-emotionality” of contemporary discourse. We solve grievances by referring them to sub-committees that meet exclusively during national holidays.

U – Uniformity of Understanding: We believe that true harmony is achieved when everyone thinks exactly like their leaders. Divergent perspectives are welcomed, as they can be assigned lower performance evaluation scores and not blow the curve for the rest of us.

S – Standardized Sensibilities: Our focus remains on the “Common Sense” of 1948. We view the removal of formal hat-wearing requirements and the introduction of soy milk in the cafeteria as the two greatest threats to Western Civilization.

E – Entitled Excellence: The responsibility to stand up and say loudly that you are great comes with the confidence that the wisdom, intelligence and skill of being great will follow in due course. In this, we truly excel.